If every company followed Microsoft’s naming conventions

Well, it’s official. Microsoft has topped their ridiculously-named Xbox One with their newly-announced Xbox One X. Previously referred to as “Project Scorpio”, this new Xbox is 4K-ready, and costs $499. I want to find the guy at Microsoft who named this console. I want to look him dead in the eye, shake his hand, and say “thank you for for making this so easy.”

The Xbox One X is the most awkward arrangement of syllables I’ve ever read. It’s a snake, eating its own tail and choking to death. Here I was, thinking that “Xbox One” was the most circuitous console name, but Microsoft sure showed me. I think the only logical next step here would be for Microsoft to follow their own precedent and name their next console the “Xbox 1 xobX.”

I got to thinking, “what if other companies followed Microsoft’s insane naming conventions?” Lets take a look at Nintendo, as an example.

• August 18, 1983: Nintendo releases their first 8-Bit console, the Nintendo Entertainment System, or NES.
• November 21, 1990: Nintendo follows up their smash-hit console with their latest machine, the NES 180.
• June 23, 1996: Nintendo goes for a hat trick and releases the NES Original. Fans are skeptical, but the console sells moderately well due to good technical specs and a variety of fun games.
• September 18, 2001: Nintendo releases the NES Original N. Buyers are confused, and several game stores receive bewildered customers asking why a nearly 20 year old console is worth hundreds of dollars.
• November 19, 2006: Nintendo, following their current trend, releases the NES Original N 2. The company’s stock drops dramatically as fans and detractors alike react negatively to the strange name. The device’s motion controls are a novelty that quickly fade into obscurity.
• April 25, 2011: Nintendo makes one more desperate bid regain their lost control of the console market. Against the pleading of their shareholders, Nintendo releases the NES Original N 2 2, which features an innovative touch pad controller. The company’s stock price flatlines. Investors withdraw all funding. Nintendo fans cast aside their nostalgia and look towards a new golden future as SEGA releases the Dreamcast U.

I don’t understand the logic behind Microsoft’s new console name. “Project Scorpio” was fantastic. It was badass. It had a hook to it that pulled you in and got you excited. It sounded like the code-name of a contract hitman, a man capable of getting away with just about anything so long as you had the money to afford his services. It was a name with power.

The Xbox One X, however, sounds like the beginning of a Tic-Tac-Toe game, or a losing score in a sports match. It sounds like an anxiety medication, or a tiny Russian car. It sounds like something a pirate would write on his map. “Yarr,” he says, “Xbox One X marks the spot. Never dig it up. It’s a wooden chest full of shit.”

Is the new console worth it? Sure. Maybe. I don’t know. Microsoft hasn’t really told us anything substantial about it yet, other than promising us better performance, and 4K functionality. In a few years, 4K gaming will indeed be the standard, and Microsoft will surely have some new console lined up that will make the Xbox One X obsolete.

So, should you buy the Xbone X? Sure, if you want a console that looks like a 12 year old’s internet forum name. Personally, I’m looking forward to the xX_Xbox_1_sasuke_Xx. Can’t wait, Microsoft! Keep up the good work.