GeneSystems Product Recalls (August 2027)

Hey folks, Vic Vanderbuck here! We’ve had a great 4th quarter this year, but some of our quality products and services are having a bit of trouble out there. Here’s what you need to know in order to get the best from GeneSystems Health and Wellness Labs!

If you or someone you know has purchased or acquired any of the products and services listed here, please follow the instructions provided.

Recalled: GeneSystems’ Tear Enhancement Suite
Release Notes: The Tear Enhancement Suite is a system by which users Can create tasty and enjoyable beverages straight from their body’s own tear glands at any time. Simply grab a cup, chop some onions, and enjoy some refreshing Mountain Dew or Diet Coke!
Recall Notes: Please return to your nearest GeneSystems’ Tech Center for immediate maintenance. Do not, under any circumstances, attempt to use the “hot coffee” setting on your Tear Enhancement Suite.

Recalled: GeneSystems’ Pet Wellness System
Release Notes:GeneSystems is doing its part to keep your pets healthy and well with our new Pet Wellness System! Simply add a drop of the Wellness Water ™ to your pet’s food or water every morning, and watch the growth!
Recall Notes: While the Pet Wellness System is helping pets all over America, do not feed to any members of the Mustelidae family under an circumstances. Mustelids have an averse reaction to our Wellness Serum involving growing barbed talons and developing intelligence far beyond what their small brains should be able to accommodate. Please ignore any promises of wealth and fortune proposed by these small mammals; they are incapable of sincerity.

Recalled: GeneSystems Family Wellness Coffee Maker
Release Notes: GeneSystems announces a new, eco-friendly coffee maker! Hate disposing of your old coffee grounds and filters? We’ve got you covered! Simply press down on the green lever on the side marked “Churn” and your coffee grounds and filters will be instantly converted into eco-friendly compost, great for the garden!
Recall Notes: Please return your GeneSystems’ Family Wellness Coffee Maker to the nearest GeneSystems facility at once. Several units have begun producing compost far in excess of what they take in as raw material, leading to entire kitchens filled with compost, and the death of several small dogs. If you do not desire to return your product at this time, then please refrain from pressing the “Churn” lever under any circumstances, for your own safety. By reading this, you agree that GeneSystems cannot be held liable for any property damage or loss of life caused by GeneSystems’ Family Wellness Coffee Maker.

Recalled: GeneSystems Sea Monkey Fun Family (Glow In The Dark Edition)
Release Notes: Hey Kids! Want a cool pet that your parents won’t mind around the house? Try Sea Monkeys! They swim around in a fishbowl or glass of water, and do all sorts of cool tricks! Easy to take care of, and tons of fun to watch! Unlike other Sea Monkeys, ours here at GeneSystems glow in the dark. Enjoy a dazzling constellation of fun every night!
Recall Notes: Due to a mislabeled shipment, certain GeneSystems Sea Monkey Fun Family products may develop into human embryos instead of Sea Monkeys when set in water. If your product is affected in this way, please contact your local adoption agency.

Recalled: GeneSystems Program-Your-Own-AI Kit 4 Kidz
Release Notes: Want to learn how to program artificial intelligence, kids? Well, today’s your day! Ask your mom or dad about GeneSystems’ Program-Your-Own-AI Kit, made specially for kids and the Apple II computer!
Recall Notes: This product is not being recalled. There is nothing wrong with this product. The product is working as intended. Do not return me.