Sports these days

Let me tell you something, I remember when sports were good. When people really got into it. When people died. You youngsters wouldn’t understand what that’s like, though, you only eat what the sports media people on TV spoon-feed you. Well, let me tell you what’s what:

First of all, Baseball was a man’s sport. A sport for men. We didn’t take no guff from those Ant people, or whatever they’re calling themselves these days. It was just humans on the field, baby, nobody with more than four appendages need apply. Those were the good days, when a fastball might obliterate the batter’s face halfway through the eighth, knocking his nose four inches deep into his skull and changing the game. There was athletecism, too! Much more than you see with these roided up players these days who can round the bases in a single stride, changing their momentum in mid-air with their buoyancy flaps. It’s just insincere when compared with the real game. The game that has heart.

Football was different, too. Back in the day, you’d have a bunch of lily-skinned ninnies kicking an orb across a tract of land. Then, it was egg-shaped all of a sudden, and we were throwing it, too. And then we got RIPPED. Oh baby, muscles slathered up with protein shakes and players with their chakra’s aligned shooting mental missiles clear across the field, sometimes knocking the stray bird or two out of the air. Those were the days, alright, back when you didn’t need those fancy “body enhancements” that players wear today. Football with eight arms? I don’t like it, not one bit. And that thing where the losers get promenaded around the field while being ritualistically disemboweled by angered fans? Where the hell did that go? That was the best part of the game, sometimes! Football today is just not football the way it used to be.

Basketball used to be about getting the ball in the net. What is it these days? Just a bunch of statistics and trades. Just managers, talking, and trading their players! Hell, why not just make it a card game, assholes!? Back in the day, we had real power out there on the court, kicking that ball into the net, karate chopping the defense, and punching holes square through the torso of the referee. We used to strangle fans with our own coach’s whistle, and time-outs were reserved only for when the court became so slick with blood that further play was impossible. I used to be a ball boy with the Wizards back in the day, and let me tell you, there was nothing more satisfying than holding up the head of a defeated point guard high into the air for all the world to see and chanting the Nine Teachings of Bird in a low, monotonous growl. Nothing like what you’d see today on TV, though.

And wrestling. Whoo! Wrestling! Back in the day, wrestling used to be about civility! Handshakes! Tea times! These days, what do you have? Just a bunch of juiced up guys in spandex hitting eachother. Back in my day, the most violent wrestling move was the Passive-Aggressive Facebook Unfriend, a devastating attack that cuts off almost all communication with the victim without explaining why. Back when they used to pull that out, the crowd would lose its shit, I tell you. It was incredible. These days? Just a bunch of pile drivers and sweaty dudes. Who cares? Who cares about that? If I wanted to watch a bunch of dudes break each others shins, I would watch tennis.

Sports these days are for pussies, I say.